Can I borrow $100?

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Witch

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide tohave a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up atthe local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers tohermanager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls onthem. They won't know the difference." the manager does as he istoldand the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think mygirl was dead "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?""well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was lovingher."His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."a witch, why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and Igaveher a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

Three wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you 3 wishes." She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That’s okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock
to him."

The woman replied, " That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman, and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she became the
most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, " That’s okay because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine." So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!

The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

A small village priest was very fond of the hens he kept in the hen house behind the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about a dozen hens.

One Saturday evening, he noticed that the cock rooster was missing. He suspected that cock fights were taking place in the village, so he decided to do something about it at church the following morning.

The next morning at mass, he asked the congregation, "Does anyone have a cock?" All the men stood up.

"Oh no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, that wasn't what I meant," he said. "Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half of the women stood up.

"Oh dear," he said, "Has anyone seen my cock?" …Not a single nun remained seated!

Ever witnessed a turtle orgasm?